Relationships and childhood grief

Reading Pete Walker’s book on CPTSD helped me understand the place I go to where I just feel flat and sad. This ‘abandonment grief’ is real and I believe that I need to process mine. These feelings are often buried under layers of distraction activity, from work to YouTube, and sometimes addiction. One situation where they really come to the fore is in a relationship breakup or separation, which I am going through at present.

The total devastation that I feel in a breakup is more to do with my childhood than the other person, I believe. However, I find it hard to connect with the feelings from my childhood because I’ve effectively repressed my feelings of loss and need towards my parents. I needed to do so to survive as a child, but I think as an adult I need to get in touch with them to deal with them. In this way, the unspeakable agony of a breakup helps me to connect with that well of trauma and pain.

From a recovery/twelve step point of view, I believe this process is helping me to be more honest, and to recognise my powerlessness, rather than using strategies to hide this pain. I am feeling God close at times in this difficulty, so I hope it will help our relationship in time.

This video, from Alan Robarge again, discusses this subject in more depth, and is really helpful.

Anger, relationships and connecting with God

I have been feeling a lot of anger since my ex ended our relationship. I felt anger at times during the relationship when he rejected me at various points. However I’d try to move away from the anger and stay in love at those times. I did learn though, that anger is really a drug to remove pain. When I’d let go of anger, I’d often be left with distress and deep pain. The anger was a false friend, appearing to make things better, by removing the pain. Yet I recognise that in my life, anger has caused many more problems than it solves. My understanding of God is also that anger requires spiritual caution. I have been finding that it’s a lot harder to pray when I’m in that angry place, and it makes me feel distant from God.

Since the relationship has actually ended, and he has stopped all communication with me, then it’s been much harder to let go of the anger. I realise that this is similar to the anger that I felt towards my parents – who likewise, were unavailable and not there when I needed them, to quite an extreme degree. This anger has acted like a ‘wall’ around my heart that keeps people away. It’s time for the wall to come down.

In the good times in our relationship, my walls would come down, and I would be able to express what I felt and thought, and I received attention and affection. At those times I would feel so much closer to God. Though I know that I need to seek to get needs met through God, one of my major needs in physical affection – to be hugged and comforted. Once I have felt God ‘hug’ me but usually this isn’t something that feels easily satisfied by God. I feel intense anxiety without it and life feels a lot more difficult.

I still have not surrendered the relationship, as I still feel angry with my ex and with God that the relationship has ended. I don’t want the end of physical affection and emotional intimacy. I know that I am powerless over this, and that if I stay in this angry place, it will cause me harm. I also know that without the anger, there will be a lot of pain and crying. This will be the focus of my prayers.

Update – shortly after I wrote this, I lay down to do a short relaxation exercise. Suddenly the pain and distress broke through, and the root of it was there – just wanting to be with my ex, body and soul. Missing his contact and sharing life with him. It is very painful, and I have to choose to feel the pain rather than cover it up with anger. However, I do feel better after a good cry.

Anger from attachment wounds

I am currently going through a breakup, which is jangling all my trauma-burned nerves at the moment.

This video spoke to me today. I’ve realised recently how much I use anger to anesthetise pain. There have been moments when I’m released from it and it’s wonderful. But for some reason it just stays there, buried deep within. This is after much, much, trying to forgive. But it’s repressed and it’s hard to get rid of.

Remove the story of what happened, take a break from projecting anger onto the ex-partner, and to keep with the anger – but separate it from the partner.

At the centre is a tender, crying child – a profound grief and sadness. He says to let the anger bubble up and let it out.

How Jesus showed me what faith is

I love the gospels. I find the stories of what Jesus did, and what he said, to be really helpful. In the past week I’ve got a lot from reading through Luke. In particular three stories recently helped me to see the importance that Jesus puts on faith, and how it can be applied in different situations.

The first was Jesus calming the storm, in Luke 8:22-25:

One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and started out. As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger.

The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!”

When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm. Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?”

The disciples were terrified and amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!”

What can we learn from this? That when Jesus asks us to go somewhere – in this case, crossing a lake, but it could be anywhere – that we might face storms along the way. But he’s saying that we have no reason to fear, even if our lives are in danger. He is in control, and he is urging us to trust him.

The rest of the chapter has two important stories, I’d encourage you to read directly. What struck me is that Jesus’ healing power was activated by faith in both cases. In one, it was for healing for herself, the woman’s own faith. In the second, it was for someone else. So we can have faith for our own healing or another person.

I’ve sometimes wondered why faith seems to be important to God. It’s the main ingredient of step 2 – came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity – and it’s so much a part of the teaching of the Bible.

I guess I don’t need to intellectualise. I just need to put it into practice. Thank God for the Scriptures and the help they give us to learn what faith is, and how God sees it.

 

God’s love and grace for our embarrassing emotions

As I’ve been going through the healing process, some pretty unpleasant feelings have come up. Explosive hatred, rage, pride, expressed while shouting and swearing – and usually aimed at the people who I’m ‘supposed’ to love.

One way of dealing with this is to justify those feelings on the basis of what was done to me. However I think this is a bad way of dealing with it. It just encourages resentment, which just fuels more anger. The twelve steps offer an alternative approach – to take responsibility for our actions and look to change ourselves.

Also my goal is to follow the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, and he makes it pretty clear that this isn’t a good method of dealing with bad feelings. It is not his will. However thinking about this – the sinfulness of the feelings – also induces shame and tends to make me bury the feelings, which doesn’t help either.

I’ve instead found a much more healing place. This is where I allow myself to feel the feelings, and though I acknowledge to God that I know these feelings are not good, at the same time I want to allow myself to feel and express them so that I can be rid of them and I can fully bring them to Jesus to take away and heal. I also express repentance for my sin and also forgiveness for what was done to me. 

And through this I have found that God is not embarrassed or shocked by my feelings, even the most poisonous and destructive ones. His love for me does not change because I express them. He is glad that I am wanting to change and to heal from these things. He is glad I want to learn how to love, and that I’m learning how these feelings are a barrier to love. He loves me regardless of the sin that I have held on to and have allowed to damage my life. He is big enough and strong enough to take on these emotions and to deal with them. I can trust them to Him, and let go and let God.

This really does strike me as incredibly merciful, really amazing. It is something I am not used to, because my parents had no tolerance for my feelings, and offered me no means of comfort or healing for my feelings. They disliked me if I showed emotion or reacted (understandably) negatively to their abuse or neglect. This was one reason why I stuffed the emotions and did not fully express them – though they have always been there and troubled my life ever since.

Yet my parents are just as much victims as I – and it is tragic that they have yet to be free from their chains. I pray that one day I will be free of all the past negativity and I will be able to truly love them and share how God has changed me.

In the meantime, I will just thank God for his incredible mercy. What a good God.

Really deeply seated unlovingness – a character defect

I am reading Jack Frost’s excellent ‘Experiencing the Father’s Love’ – a book that’s a daily set of devotionals, but I’m reading it faster as I am finding it very useful.

This morning, several days worth of entries spoke to me very deeply – but it’s something that is so deeply ingrained in me, that I think it will take a while to untangle it. Or maybe I don’t need to, but just ask God to come in and sort it out.

I think it is unlocking a key to why I find it hard to receive God’s love, and why I have a tendency to judgement and criticism.

From April 24th the book talks about judgement and the ‘need to be right’. He speaks of a six-step path that leads from judgement to damaged relationships:

1. Negative attitudes. Thinking negatively about those who think differently, rather than loving them.
2. Impure motives. Comparing myself to others, pride and thinking in a way that led to motivation being proving to myself that I’m good. This led to thinking other people should meet my needs.
3. Defilement of speech. Speaking in a condescending way about other people’s beliefs or gifts, criticising subtly.
4. Divisive actions. Acting in a way that would draw certain people to me and away from others – implying others were not as mature or as good as me. This creates an environment of mistrust and rivalry. He asks: “When you encounter someone who does not live up to your expectations, how do you treat them? Do you create an atmosphere of trust, or do conversations develop that help you convince others how much wiser or right you are than they are?”
5. Damage to relationships. The need to be right, which creates a fear of failure and rejection in the people around me.
6. Isolation. All of the above means that people don’t enjoy being around you. He said: “It was difficult for some people to receive me or my conversations because I lived in such a state of agitated resistance against everyone and everything. Only those very secure in God’s love or those who could maintain such a rigid standard of excellence befriended me.”

All of the above resonates for me. But it resonates at a level that is so unconscious, so deeply ingrained, that I think it will take some serious prayer and God’s grace to change it.

It’s pretty clear that I can and have caused serious damage to others by this kind of behaviour.

It was how I was brought up. At home I would only not be rejected, if I toed the line and my behaviour, opinions and performance met a certain standard.

This lack of love is probably passed down the family line. I want to break the cycle, and I need God’s help.

How to lose peace

The past couple of days I’ve been in and out of feeling that wonderful peace. It makes the peace so much more appreciated, when you lose it! I think I have noticed a few things that led me to lose peace:

• Critical thoughts. I allowed negative and critical thoughts about a housemate to stay in my mind. I didn’t challenge them, nor think of her with compassion. I considered myself righteous enough to judge her, when in truth I didn’t really know enough to make those judgements, and I was certainly doing it without love. I also failed to recognise that I am just as guilty of the kind of behaviour I was condemning.
• ‘Putting someone right’. A couple of times on social media, I have disagreed strongly with someone, and then felt a need to correct them. However I realised that this is coming from a place of anger and pride, rather than love.
• Busyness. Probably to ignore the discomfort from things like the above, I have got myself busy and ignored what’s going on inside.

Though I’ve not completely returned to my previously blissfully peaceful state, what I’ve found helpful with these kinds of temptations, is to pray and reflect on what is going on inside.

Last night I realised that the reason I was being critical and ‘putting someone right’ was due to real anger inside towards the sub-culture that the person identifies with. The anger was related to harms I thought I’d received from that ideology and sub-culture, though the person was innocent.

So I felt this feeling, explored it, and brought it to Jesus. I repented, and trusted in his Cross to heal me. I asked for peace, and love to return. I considered forgiveness. This led to enough peace that I fell asleep again.

 

Peace and freedom from anxiety

I have been blessed with a few days of real peace within. I have felt little anxiety and unrest inside, I have easily fallen back to sleep when waking up in the middle of the night, and this has left me with a real feeling of well-being.

It’s also a much easier foundation to love the other. When this peace is in my heart, I realise how much of a barrier to love that anxiety is. Anxiety is always a stepping-stone to anger, and it quenches love very effectively. Anxiety interferes with everything. I had so much anxiety, and I was so used to it from childhood, I didn’t even realise I had it, until freed from it by God.

I have had short periods of this kind of peace before, following prayer and times of repentance and healing, but the anxiety has always returned. And in fact this week, the anxiety did return. I spent a day in the company of strangers, and a few things unsettled me. In the middle of the night, I again woke up with the fear.

Firstly I recognised how much of a gift it is to not have this fear. When the anxiety returned, I appreciated the break from it a lot more! I started to search for reasons as to why it had returned.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure. But I tried to put in practice some of the things I’ve learned. I brought the anxiety to the Cross. I repented of any unloving thoughts and actions. I focused on surrender and trusting God. I told the anxiety to leave.

Praise God, the next morning the peace had returned, and it is still with me now. It feels so good, and it’s so much easier to focus on loving the other. I pray this peace will stay for good.

Sacrificial love for others and codependency

An aspect of love that I’m seeking insight about, is the distinction between codependency, counterdependency, and the love that Jesus asks of us.

Reading the traits of adult children of dysfunctional homes, there is a lot about the relationships between people. When we are unhealthy, we want to rescue others, we want to sacrifice ourselves on another’s behalf, we pity others, we forgive the unforgiveable.

The problem is for a Christian, that a lot of these things seem to be encouraged in Scripture.

Jesus says:

“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

“If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.

“Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

Luke 6:27-36

There are also great stories of how people have tried to rescue, love and sacrificed themselves, to the glory of God. For example, Jackie Pullinger and Jim Elliot.

So is the Bible encouraging unhealthy behaviour? Or is the ACA program wrong?

I think that unhealthy ‘love’ or codependency as ACA defines it might fit the Biblical definition of love on the surface, but the problem is that it is ultimately selfish, because it is driven by our inner need for love from another. We are trying to get love from people who can’t give it.

However when we are truly whole within, satisfied by God, feeling loved – then our relationships are not being driven by a desperate need for love. Then we can let go and love unconditionally, because we don’t crave the love and attention of other people.

When in this more secure place, we can choose to follow Jesus without compulsion, and love sacrificially. We can love unloveable people. And if we don’t receive love in return, then it does not destroy us.

Progress and encouragement

I’ve been writing this blog for just over a month, and I’m happy to say that there are signs of progress. Not all the time, not every day, but sometimes I am feeling freer, lighter, more joyful, more loving.

It’s not just that I’ve been getting over the upset of a break-up, and all the trauma from the past that brought up. I think things are shifting more permanently.

I believe this is partly due to allowing myself to feel feelings, bring them to God, and let go. It’s also by applying the first three steps of the twelve steps, and looking to God for the answer rather than trying to work it out myself. I have been doing a little bit of steps 4 through 7 in my head – recognising character flaws, their impact on others, and asking God to remove them. But really this is part of steps 2 and 3: God as the answer.

Although this blog is about going through “Adult Child of a Dysfunctional Family” recovery in particular, my journey of healing comes from over ten years of walking with God rather than ignoring Him. Thank God for the progress, and for the healing.

I read this yesterday and I found it beautiful, so I thought I’d share it with you:

So we get on to the Highway. There it stretches before us, a narrow uphill road, bathed in light, leading towards the Heavenly Jerusalem. The embankment on either side slopes away into thick darkness. In fact, the darkness creeps right to the very edges of the Highway, but on the Highway itself all is light. Behind us is the Cross, no longer dark and forbidding but radiant and glowing, and we no longer see Jesus stretched across its arms, but walking the Highway overflowing with resurrection life. In His Hands He carries a pitcher with the Water of Life.

He comes right up to us and asks us to hold out our hearts, and just as if we were handing Him a cup, we present to Him our empty hearts. He looks inside – a painful scrutiny – and where He sees we have allowed His Blood to cleanse them, He fills them with the Water of Life. So we go on our way rejoicing and praising God and overflowing with His new life. This is revival.

You and I full of the Holy Spirit all the time, loving others and concerned for their salvation. No struggling, no tarrying. Just simply giving Him each sin to cleanse in His precious Blood and accepting from His hands the free gift of His Fullness, and then allowing Him to do the work through us. As we walk along with Him, He is always there continually filling so that our cups continually overflow.

So the rest of our Christian life simply consists now of walking along the Highway, with hearts overflowing, bowing the neck to His will all the time, constantly trusting the Blood to cleanse us and living in complete oneness with Jesus. There is nothing spectacular about this life, no emotional experiences to sigh after and wait for. It is just plain day to day living the life the Lord intended us to live.

This is real holiness.

But we may, and sometimes do, slip off the Highway, for it is narrow. One little step aside and we are off the path and in darkness. It is always because of a failure in obedience somewhere or a failure to be weak enough to let God do all. Satan is always beside the road, shouting at us, but he cannot touch us. But we can yield to his voice by an act of will. This is the beginning of sin and slipping away from Jesus.
Sometimes we find ourselves stiffening our necks to someone, sometimes to God Himself. Sometimes jealousy or resentment assails us. Immediately we are over the side, for nothing unclean can walk the Highway. Our cup is dirtied and ceases to overflow and we lose our peace with God.

If we do not come back to the Highway at once, we shall go further down the side. We must get back. How? The first thing to do is to ask God to show what caused us to slip off; and He will, though it often takes Him time to make us see. Perhaps someone annoyed me, and I was irritated. God wants me to see that it was not the thing that the person did that matters, but my reaction to it. If I had been broken, I would not have been irritated. So, as I look longingly back to the Highway, I see the Lord Jesus again and I see what an ugly thing it is to get irritable and that Jesus died to save me from being irritable.

As I crawl up again to the Highway on hands and knees, I come again to Him and His Blood for cleansing. Jesus is waiting there to fill my cup to overflowing once again. Hallelujah! No matter where you leave the Highway, you will always find Him calling you to come back and be broken again, and always the Blood will be there to cleanse and make you clean. This is the great secret of the Highway – knowing what to do with sin, when sin has come in. The secret is always to take sin to the Cross, see there its sinfulness, and then put it under the Blood and reckon it gone.

Roy Hession, The Calvary Road