I have been feeling a lot of anger since my ex ended our relationship. I felt anger at times during the relationship when he rejected me at various points. However I’d try to move away from the anger and stay in love at those times. I did learn though, that anger is really a drug to remove pain. When I’d let go of anger, I’d often be left with distress and deep pain. The anger was a false friend, appearing to make things better, by removing the pain. Yet I recognise that in my life, anger has caused many more problems than it solves. My understanding of God is also that anger requires spiritual caution. I have been finding that it’s a lot harder to pray when I’m in that angry place, and it makes me feel distant from God.
Since the relationship has actually ended, and he has stopped all communication with me, then it’s been much harder to let go of the anger. I realise that this is similar to the anger that I felt towards my parents – who likewise, were unavailable and not there when I needed them, to quite an extreme degree. This anger has acted like a ‘wall’ around my heart that keeps people away. It’s time for the wall to come down.
In the good times in our relationship, my walls would come down, and I would be able to express what I felt and thought, and I received attention and affection. At those times I would feel so much closer to God. Though I know that I need to seek to get needs met through God, one of my major needs in physical affection – to be hugged and comforted. Once I have felt God ‘hug’ me but usually this isn’t something that feels easily satisfied by God. I feel intense anxiety without it and life feels a lot more difficult.
I still have not surrendered the relationship, as I still feel angry with my ex and with God that the relationship has ended. I don’t want the end of physical affection and emotional intimacy. I know that I am powerless over this, and that if I stay in this angry place, it will cause me harm. I also know that without the anger, there will be a lot of pain and crying. This will be the focus of my prayers.
Update – shortly after I wrote this, I lay down to do a short relaxation exercise. Suddenly the pain and distress broke through, and the root of it was there – just wanting to be with my ex, body and soul. Missing his contact and sharing life with him. It is very painful, and I have to choose to feel the pain rather than cover it up with anger. However, I do feel better after a good cry.
Healing Graces 